An Homage to Screwtape Letters

Dear Barnuss, 

You have three days until your graduation from the University of Malice is behind you. You will quickly get recruited into Our Dark Master’s army and learn of your primary target that you will have the pleasure of tormenting all the days of its life. 

But before you begin traveling between the realties you must write your final paper. You must explain why you call yourself evil. You must prove that you have what it takes to wreak havoc and cultivate an attitude of consistent despair in your target’s life. 

You must show Our Lord Lucifer that you’re ready. 

I want to bestow on you some wisdom I’ve learned. You may cheat in this exam if you know what Lucifer wants to hear. Cheating is actually encouraged in our way of life believe it or not. 

First, my boy you must understand the heart posture of a demon. You must realize you are condemned and damned for all of eternity, and that gives you the motivation to throw your fists into the air and curse the one who created you. The Enemy wants judgment alone for you. He wants you to be punished. Use that anger and malice towards the one who hates you and cultivate a heart of resentment. Know your purpose and fulfill it to your full potential. 

Secondly Barnuss you must understand what will happen if you disregard your role. Your target is yours alone. You can call reinforcements to aid you in your torture, but it is your sole responsibility to bring him to tears. If you neglect this honor he will walk carefree in his life and no doubt worship and serve the Enemy. We are to create a divide between joy and love between The Enemy and his followers, there is no greater dishonor.

Lastly, you must realize the impending doom that is yours. I know you must tire of me repeating this in each letter, but it’s true. And I don’t want you to become blindsided by your inevitable defeat in the last days. Treat each day like it's your last, it might very well be. Our end will be swift, that dreaded day is coming like a thief in the night, never forget that. But until that fateful day, you must swear to our Master that you will use every breath to curse God and torment his creation. 

You now know all you need to impress Lucifer. Take each step with pride, my son, joining the Dark Forces is no small deed. But to us, it’s all we have to offer Our Dark Master. We owe our entire downfall to him, we might as well give him our lives. 

Get ready Barnuss. Your target will surprise you. If you’re lucky you’ll be assigned a child, children are easily corrupted. Most parents don’t give them the attention and love they need to progress in life. But no matter what son, know that your life will not be wasted. Not if you make the conscience choice to wake up every day and torment those you’ve been given. 

You have great things ahead of you my boy, I can’t wait to see your evil nature bloom into the beautiful thorns and weeds that we all know you will turn out to be. 

Sincerely your Father, 

-Bugragg