Am I in Denial?

Dear reader, 

The word denial slammed into my heart last night, and to be honest, it was quite confrontational. 

I recently had to admit a point of submission in my walk with God and a ridiculous pile of sins that somehow managed to follow me wherever I went. 

There was a local group called Celebrate Recovery that was open each week, and for lack of better terms, it was an AA meeting with a Christian twist. 

I’d seen enough AA meetings in movies and television that was enough to discourage me from admitting that I was ‘as bad as they were.’

I wasn’t an active drunk. 

I didn’t abuse drugs. 

I wasn’t out sleeping around every night. 

But I am a closet control freak. 

I am a struggling Pornography addict.

And I have an incredibly hard time controlling my anger. 

But I still didn’t need this. I had excuse after excuse to not attend. I built my pride up so high, that when I was approached about it one day I quickly replied “No. I don’t want to admit that I’ve gotten to that point.” 

The reality of the matter is we are all unable to change ourselves. 

The self-help books that are New York Times bestsellers each year are filled with bologna and crap. 

It’s nothing but lies that tickle your ear and deceive you. 

Funny enough step one of Celebrate Recovery is Denial. 

That severely pissed me off as I read the pamphlet handed to me that night. 

It’s as if I had to admit on day one how messed up I truly was. But I shoved that truth deep down within me. It didn’t need to rear its ugly head in public. Not yet anyway. 

As the night went on I sensed the internal struggle within me. Who am I kidding, it was a war. 

Blood was being spilled, screams echoed around, and a flag was placed in the middle of the battlefield. 

A white flag of surrender. 

The truth that was made clear to me was I was desperately in need of a savior. I knew that in my head, but some days it doesn’t transfer to my heart. Not just to save me from my hell-bound destiny, but to transform me into a new creation for the sake of His Kingdom and His Glory. 

I needed to die. 

The pride that I walked in with was like a weapon aimed at anyone who lovingly challenged my disposition. I needed now to turn it towards me, I needed to plunge it deep into my heart and die. 

I had to go before Jesus the next morning. I had a hard time bringing myself to do it the night before. I went to the passage I knew I needed to meditate on that day, and it read…

And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will save it.”

Luke 9:23-24

I needed to deny myself. My desires. My ideas of success. My version of the life I wanted to live.

I needed to take up his cross. The idea of death is not pleasant. Well take that thought and carry it with you every step of your life. Your life is now His. He bought it with His blood. 

I had stabbed my heart to let my flesh all bleed out. This wasn’t a once-in-a-lifetime choice, this has evolved into an everyday rhythm. 

Coming before my king. Kneeling before him, taking my sword of the Spirit and piercing myself with it, and once I am emptied of my desires I can finally accept His. 

Only after you die can you follow Jesus. 

Only after death to yourself can you walk in the newness of life. 

Only after murder can you be truly free. 

I urge you to get before God and truly offer your life to him. 

It’s not a pledge of allegiance or asking him to just be in your heart. 

It is a commitment to His Kingdom and His Rules. 

To enter this Kingdom you must drown in the blood that surrounds the castle. 

Only then can you be made clean. 

Sincerely,

Your Fellow Dead Man Walking

-Mitchell